Production

They say if you haven't updated your blog within a month then you don't actually have a blog. I guess I just made it:

           Before I left for GlobeTREK I would have proudly identified myself by my work ethic. Coming from a Dutch immigrant farming family it is in my blood to work without ceasing, and more tragically, to assume it is the mark of a real man. I  feel the pressure to work overtime, go in on Saturdays, and take a second job, just to accomplish as much as I could in life. However well-intended this pressure was, it quickly fostered in me a value system that put my ability to perform ahead of my intrinsic value as a child of God. Thankfully, my time in Haiti directly confront this pattern of thinking in me.

            My role in Haiti was that of a driver. As difficult as it often was, it was a wonderful and unique experience that I am certain I will always cherish. As I compare this year to previous years at Prairie I notice many differences, one of which, and probably the largest (aside from living in the Caribbean), being my personal schedule. The position I occupied in Haiti operated much like a taxi would. When people within the organization need my services (whether it was driving or any other number of things) I made myself immediately available to assist them. This type of work made it difficult to know when and how long a work day would be. For example, a typical day may have consist of taxiing a person going to the airport, repairing a water tank for a co-worker, trying to fix a truck battery, and making the most of the time slots in-between these to run personal errands. The fact that I must be available at a moment’s notice, but not always needed, means that inevitably there were many hours are spent listlessly. This type of lifestyle left me with some considerations: what constitutes an appropriate, or even godly, level of production? Why do I feel so guilty for sleeping in until nine on a Tuesday if I have no other obligations? When I am not needed, why is it so easy to be overwhelmed with anxiety and depressive thoughts? So my time in Haiti raised some good questions that I have never had to address in my previous three years at Prairie, and ironically this unregimented time has itself been the time I have to consider these questions.  

            I have come to the conclusion that production is not a bad thing (obviously) but must be filtered through the lens of the Gospel message. Through reflection I acknowledge that I have all too frequently used working and achieving to validate myself and my self-worth. I realize that it is an addiction, a drug that makes me feel useful, needed, and in control. It is important I recognize that to do so is to make my production level my center instead of allowing what Christ has done for me on the cross to give me my worth and identity. In order to avoid feelings of inadequacy and sinfulness I have displaced the cross with a performance/production-based salvation. It is scary how syncretistic this behaviour is: of course Jesus is my savior, my all-in-all, but a little achievement doesn’t hurt to affirm my worthiness.

            Furthermore, why I work, and how I view that work must continually be assessed. I work as a response to what God has done for me. I work and produce because He calls me to participate in His creation. Most importantly however, my life and salvation is not dependant on what I do or don’t do. My security, my value, and my worth all find there guarantee in the work that He has already accomplished. Thus I work from a position of assurance and not in order to achieve assurance. 

Also, I am happy to announce the birth of my newest neices: Clare and Kynslee Butler. Check out www.twoandahalfbutlers.blogspot.com for updates!